oh, it’s only been a week and already i’m taking a hiatus.  a brief one–one day (today) from posting anything.  well, anything of merit, because we can clearly see i’m posting something.

nit-picky, you are.

i blame the following things for my ragey rage that’s all ragey which is the main reason for my 1-day hiatus of Posting Hopefully Interesting But At Least Temporarily Procrastinatory Things For You To Read, or PHIBALTPTPFYTRs, and instead counteracting everyone who is posting the things they are thankful for all month on facebook with one fell swoop:

- the college boys next door who are apparently getting a 4.0 in being loud and video games.  they are the valedictorians of not being able to control the volume of their voice or any electronic appliances.

- the general not-having-itness that comes from spending nearly two months living out of 2.5 suitcases, 6 whole foods bags, an iced tea maker, 2 messenger bags, 1 kermit the frog green reusable bag that i got as a groomsmaid gift from the harms’ wedding (hi holly & ben!), and 1 green purse.

- feeling inert and my running shoes giving me the nasty side-eye

- the internet with filling my brain with so much stimuli that it often turns to blergh (30rock anyone?)  does anyone else get the occasional feeling of chronic missing the boatness from the said internet machine?

- all that sugar i ate yesterday.  it was pleasant at the time, but i’m way over the sugar-over i’m feeling today.

- people who say “we was” instead of “we were”, besmirching my grammatically sensitive ears

have i mentioned my ragey red rage? it’s ragey.

and, to make sure we’ve been an equal opportunity blamer, i’m hereby blaming:

- el nino

- al qaeda

- the democrats

- the liberals

- the 99 and/or 1 percent

- that weird looking chicken nugget i ate earlier

- my husband for having the audacity to have a morning alarm (wha?) and turning a light on at the time we’re supposed to get up (the nerve!)

- the kardashians

THIS HAS BEEN A POST.

update:

p.s. everything is fine.  you know, in the general sense.  with my ragey rage next time, perhaps i’ll use more emoticons, like my husband’s uncle does.  after each text message phrase, he follows it with something like this: . every. single. time. not with each message, but with each sentence in the message. 

p.p.s. i mean, how bad can things be when you have a west wing animated gif?  c.j., for the win.

p.p.p.s. i’m not living out of the iced tea maker, as my syntax would lead you to believe.  but we do carry it wherever we go.  under our job descriptions, it should read ‘tea drinker’.

THIS HAS BEEN AN UPDATE.

so i stopped asking.

and i think i’ll begin again.

it’s good to think of things that are good.

i heard one of my lovely fellow teachers ask one of her students (in the midst of said student poring over the bleakness of her angsty teenage present) to tell her something good.  but she added something to this that i’ve literally thought about for days now; she said:

“tell me some legitimately positive things that are happening right now — not just the absence of a bad thing, but a positive thing.”

i never really thought of it that way.

such a subtle distinction, the kind that i implore the big brains in my care to notice, but an important one.

good things are not just the absence of bad things.  we need to not just be thankful the bad is at bay (or perhaps is not) but see the good.

this same teacher has resumed writing on her blog about 5 things that make her happy each day.   reading it is a small bit of lovely each day.   it reminds me of my well-worn, dog-eared, highlighted and written-in book that my grandmother gave me: 14,000 things to be happy about. leafing through this book is like taking a long walk with an old friend; remembering the goodness in the past helps me to see the goodness in the present, amidst my wildly unsure footing.

so.

here are my five good things for today:

- for feeling a bit steadier and having more anticipation for my job than i have in the previous weeks.

- doing the dishes while listening to band of horses

- for a sincere “thank you” from someone who recognized and appreciated the mercy shown to him

- dinner with my husband

- for a well-timed phone call from a friend last night

it’s my bed.

my favorite place right now, that is.

guess where i am right now as i type this?

yep.

my friday night plans involve having to write a paper (boo)… but from the gloriousness that is my bed (yay!)

i don’t know if it’s because it’s the only place i pretty much stop these days

because i go go go go go

and think think think think think

and plan plan…

i’m too tired to even finish the repetition.

don’t get me wrong

life is good.

FULL.

but good.

and a little, but heavenly, part of that is because of

my bed.

be my valentine, bed.

and i’ll make you these sweet pillows.

perhaps it’s the crazy fuzzy amazing sheets with which my mom graced my bed

or that it’s big enough for me to stretch out, snow-angel style

or because it’s quiet and calm

but

i have never, ever loved my bed as much as i do right now.

the only thing missing

is

a french boyfriend

with whom to cuddle in bed

but

that’ll come in about four months.

ode to my bed.

you are the best.

bedder than ever.

fin.

in short, we all need a big time out and attitude adjustment.

the author ends by saying this, which i thought was poignant (emphasis mine):

“…Not only are we disappointed, we need to express it. Vent it. Hiss it and spit it and hurl it like fistfuls of mental manure at the great wall of hey, screw you.

You have but to take a peek in the comments section below this column, any column, any article on this or any news site whatsoever, to see just how mean and nasty we have become. It does not matter what the piece might be about. Obama’s speech. High speed rail. Popular dog breeds. Your grandmother’s cookies. The anonymous comments section of any major media site or popular blog will be so crammed with bile and bickering, accusation and pule, hatred and sneer you can’t help but feel violently disappointed by the shocking lack of basic human kindness and respect, much less a sense of positivism or perspective.

Maybe this, then, is the ultimate upshot of our endless, self-wrought swirl of sour disappointment, of never having our impossible needs fully met, of constantly being thwarted in our desire to have the world revolve around our exact set of specifications and desires.

Our disappointment begins to curdle, to turn back on itself, poison the heart, turn us nasty and low. It shifts from merely being a national mood or general temperament, into a way of being. A wiring, deep and harmful and permanent. It’s all very disappointing, really.“

Francis: You don’t love me!
Peter: Yes I do!
Jack: I love you too, but I’m gonna mace you in the face!

(darjeeling limited via one day, one movie)

who am i?

both.  i am both of these characters, usually simultaneously.

yeah. like that.

- watching movies i’ve seen before when they come on television

- ordering in

- macaroni and cheese

- a really good conversation, preferably by a friend who knows you well enough to bring drinks over

- wearing the grey sweater i got 12 years ago from the gap that has a hole in the collar and too-long sleeves

- windows down, perfect song on loud, driving in the car

- holding hands

- looking at my baby nephew

- reading a quote that perfectly captures my thoughts

- a spontaneous matinee

- a tight hug from my dear

- iced tea (summer), tea (winter)

- almost anything from the container store (true)

- getting lost in a story

- talking to god, informally

- stolen naps

- specific compliments from unlikely sources, or likely ones (i’m not picky.)

- brushing my teeth

— Eleanor Roosevelt

* * * * *

right now, nearly everything feels like something i cannot do. i’m reaching out and embracing the entire thing. okay, embrace is a strong word, connoting a warm greeting. let’s say, i’m more just peeking through my fingers covering my face, holding my breath, and running into this tidal wave with full force. and when i mean that i feel this way about most everything, i am. not. kidding.

everyone else in my teaching program says they are excited and don’t feel nervous at all.

LIARS. all of them.

and since when did become the sign of strength to say that you weren’t scared of anything? granted, anxiety can get out of control, and anxiety isn’t faith, in my opinion. but saying that you are completely unprepared and very nervous about things yet making yourself do them because you know that is how you change, that is how things are changed, and learning to love it a little bit, and love the god who controls it all?

that’s the stuff.