Awful good plan that actually might be…if I was someone else.

But I’m not.

I’m me.

And I’m seldom ready for Audacious New Goals the very first week of the year.  Or ever, really.

Goals, as I’ve written about before, have always been yet another opportunity for me to disappoint myself.  I’ve been in awe of people who accomplish amazing things, but I never counted myself among them.  On the flipside, though, I want to have direction in life.  Without goals, how do you get things done?  Aren’t goals good?  Like, maybe if you made real goals, or goals that have all the requisite acronym-y details like being measurable, attainable, etc.?

I’m sure they are.  But you want to know what one of the hardest things for me to do is?

Decide what I actually want — and how to get there.

Determining what is attainable to me, what would be useful or beneficial (which my mind sadly twists around to mean “perfect”, like it has positivity-specific dyslexia) just ties me all up.  It binds my hands, slows my feet, makes me inert.  Paralyzed to do anything but maintain the status quo-hum.

Something about unmoveable goals that MUST be set at in January, before I’ve even gotten two steps in the door of 2012 and hung my coat on its hook, waiting around for 51 weeks to pop up again, unfinished and guilt-laden—just isn’t working for me this year.

So.

I’ve got a meditation (or mantra) instead, which can be applied to specific areas of my life this year; a consistent approach to the most troublesome of challenges and the mundane simple things that just seem to need attention:

This Christmas gift by my dear love which now hangs in my home office reminds me that little things matter.  That I matter, even when I feel small.  That the choices I make every day mean something.  That consistent actions will lead to unimagined, remarkable things.

That every little bit has an infinite potential.

So, 2012, welcome.  Things are going to happen this year, bit by every little bit.  Can’t wait to see it (and share it with you, friends!)

(image via)

In 2011,

I gained a new career, new friends, a beautiful new nephew(!), a decorated home office, a new computer, time to read books and have a life, and more pounds than I lost or care to admit.

(books not related to college or teaching! what fun!)

(new home office, version 1.0)

(version 2.0, with white desk)

(version 2.1, with some of my boy’s art)

I lost the ability to do the career I thought I’d have forever, 20 pounds from a workout program I referred to as “football camp”, and the illusion that I can control things.
I stopped vomiting every morning due to stress.  Definite upside.  It makes it much easier to have, you know, a life.  Or fun.  Or breakfast.
I started valuing health more, especially after spraining my ankle.

(the unfortunate puffy-foot incident.  which ankle was sprained? can you guess?

(new nephew benjamin, made only cuter because he’s wearing his brother thomas’ hand-me-down outfit that i have a picture of thomas in)

I was hugely satisfied by how different the family dynamic between my in-laws and me became.  I really enjoy spending time with them.

(i also still love spending time with my family in town, too.  that’s never changed)

And frustrated by the absolute selfishness and ignorance of people’s own issues and poor choices made that I witnessed from some people amidst a terrible crisis.
I am so embarrassed that I waited so long to try liquid eyeliner.  Genius, I tell you.

(goofing off with my lovely sister-in-law, morgan.  this has nothing to do with eyeliner.)

Once again, I resolved to totally change my perspective about health and eating.
Once again, I did not totally succeed, but then realized that there is no “success” destination, just continual attention paid.  So, in that light, I paid more attention for more of the time, and that produced good things.

(it’s hard to focus on eating well when you find out there’s a cupcake truck near your vicinity and your workplace institutes “fun treat fridays”.  i mean, COME ON)

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is that I have actual life in my eyes, not death.  Seriously, ask anyone who saw me this time last year.  Also, I have my nose pierced again and my hair has returned to the exact same color it was a year ago, but not because i kept it the same all year.

(got my nose pierced with my friends jenny + kristine)

The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is embracing freedom, more and more, every day.
I loved spending time playing with my littlest nieces and nephews.  having long chats with my mother over the phone late at night, having dinner parties with friends, planning a birthday scavenger hunt for my husband, having my 30th bingo birthday, walking around Chicago in the summer, listening to radiolab during long car rides to and from grand junction, eating lunch and real talks with morgan, painting pumpkins with my mother-in-law, going to bronco games with my father-in-law and family, riding my cruiser all around town, going to vegas with my girl’s group, cooking so many delicious dishes, seeing my first roller derby bout…many good memories this year.

(my boy with my newest nephew, as if this could be any cuter)

(pumpkin painting)

(roller derby with my niece, heather, and a life list item completed!)

(30th bingo birthday + blonde hair)

Why did I spend even two minutes worrying about what was going to happen next or if my ankle was ever going to get better (it has and hasn’t, really)?  It’s not because the answer is right around the corner, but because you know who will provide it.
I should have spent more time knowing God more.
I regret buying the drinking glasses we got from goodwill.  They were cheap, and we needed glasses, but I still just don’t like them.  It’s renewed my sense of only buying what is truly useful and beautiful.
I will never regret buying the tickets for our trip to Chicago, even though with that money I could have bought another vacation (We ended up having to spend way more money than we were intending due to an inadvertent mistake of not checking on the day we were supposed to leave.  missed flights, extra rental cars, hotel rooms, etc.  Eeeeesh.)

(cubs played the rockies in a fun twist that ended with us losing horribly)

(the bean)

I puttered aimlessly on the internet and became daunted by what I read or saw there way too much.
I didn’t follow-up intention with action enough, on many fronts: from work, learning more, pursuing people or God, etc.
Unreasonable people choosing unreasonable actions and responses surrounding my mother-in-law’s cancer diagnosis drove me crazy.  Also, my husband not closing his sock drawer which conveniently is in my sight line in my office every. single. day. That’s put me into new levels of dementia.
Was people having babies crazier than ever last year (see: twin Byrds!)? Or was it me?  Runner-up: vague facebook posts.  That seemed preposterously rampant, in addition to the hatred for hipsters, and facebook.
The most relaxing place I went was to Las Vegas (specifically poolside) with my dearest girls or on the Oakes’ back porch for drinks and gab.

(my friend ashlee a-sunnin’)

I feel so cold (temperature-speaking) when I write that down, even though we’re having a fairly mild winter.  I have no insulation in my office, so the floor is fit for penguins.
Why did I go to the lengths I did to procrastinate on working on things?

(my ‘i’m finally getting focused’ look that comes after being a pro at crastinating)

The best thing I did for someone else was spending 2.5 months of my life in grand junction to spend time caring for my mother-in-law during cancer treatments and spending time with that side of my family.  I won’t ever regret the time I’ve spent, and have seen so much good amidst the bad.

(birthday celebrating in grand junction during chemo camp)

The best thing I did for myself was give myself a break for not being perfect and continue with counseling.
The best thing someone did for me was take care of our house and cook us meals when we were traveling so much.  And the people who intentionally pursue being my friend…it’s never, ever undervalued.

(these are some of those people)

(and these too)

(and these.  and there’s more — i’m a lucky, lucky girl.)

The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is the way I spend my time – more intentional, less unintentionally aimless.  That sounds like a motto:

2012, now with 50% more intention.  Aimlessness-free.

+

“Everybody’s coming back to take stock of their lives. You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone.”

— Debi, Grosse Pointe Blank

+

I like reflecting on the year at the end of it, but one thing usually stops me dead in my tracks.  Okay two things: one, my severe holiday-induced laziness that only has food-related exceptions.

And the second—where do you start without it devolving into a list of the things I did this year, not the most important part of truly reflection?

I like the way that Mary Schmich, a columnist with the Chicago Tribune, does it.  She publishes (or used to) something about reflection each new years eve, and had a particularly good guide for reflecting on the year in 2007.   Here’s what Mary says about reflecting (from a 2007 column that I unfortunately can’t find the link to; emphasis mine):

When you consciously review your year, you may notice how little you noticed it as it whizzed past. To review is to re-view. To rewind, pause, look again. And in looking again, to see more clearly.

You may be astonished by how much happened. And how much didn’t. By how much has changed. And how much hasn’t. You may laugh or sigh to notice that your life remains its usual jumble of contradictions.

Wise, I think.  She should know, having delivered a book-worthy commencement address that spawned a really obnoxious song that rose to the charts in the 90′s by the director of the romeo+juliet remake.

I did do this once, in 2008, but haven’t since because, well, I was engrossed in other important things like wedding planning, finishing college, and figuring out why my insides insisted on going on the outside every morning of my new career.  Yeah, those things tend to take over your life, I tell you.  

And I like that it’s just that — life remains its usual jumble of contradictions, something that can’t be summed up in a color or word of the year.  I’ll be back towards the end of the week with my 2011 reflections, using her guide below, but I wanted to share it with you in case you wanted to join me.  (I’ll also come back to discuss beginning of the year non-resolution resolutions in part two, which is just the other side of the reflection coin).  If you do (please join me!) link back to it in a comment or email it to me.  Or, if you’re the offline journaling type, give me a highlight in the comments.  Happy nostalging*, all.

+

*nostalge = totally made up word

+

In 2011, I gained
I lost
I stopped
I started
I was hugely satisfied by
And frustrated by
I am so embarrassed that I
Once again, I
Once again, I did not
The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is
The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is
I loved spending time
Why did I spend even two minutes ___ ?
I should have spent more time
I regret buying
I will never regret buying ————- even though with that money I could have bought ———.
I —————————————————- way too much.
I didn’t ————————————————— enough.
—————————————————- drove me crazy.
Was ———————- crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?
The most relaxing place I went was
I feel so ————————- when I write that down.
Why did I go to —————————————————?
The best thing I did for someone else was
The best thing I did for myself was
The best thing someone did for me was
The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is

+

new year’s resolution: move past the anxiety into confidence and excitement, especially pertaining to, but not limited to, teaching.

new year’s resolution: add more color.

new year’s resolution: marry well.

you know when you have several programs up on your computer, a few word documents, a game and an instant message, and you check the usage report on your computer and it’s running, but it’s nearly 95% of capacity?

no?  too nerdy for you?

hmmm.

well, that is the only analogy i can think of to explain how i feel right now after spending six days in or near my french boyfriend’s hometown.  between staying with his family, seeing good friends and awkward friends, spending time in a gallery for his art opening and listening to literally hours of stories about people i don’t know, i am at about 95% capacity.

i’m all full.  no more room for now.  we need to close some programs, shut the chatting down, and get the hell out of town and go home.

it was a dickensian week, being the best of times and the worst of times, but all i can do right now is just hermit to regroup.

we have now retreated to our 1 and 5/8 star-hotel (more on this later), and the boy asked what i wanted to do for the evening.  my answer?  anything that involves not speaking, listening, hearing stories from the past, attempting to make small-talk or see anything new.

so, pretty much sleeping.

he understood.

happy new year from the nordic lodge on the chilly western slope of colorado.

but it’s been a little over a week since i’ve finished with school, and i haven’t quite felt like i’ve had a proper vacation yet. paper-writing vacation, yes. more time with people – friends, family, charming boy – yes, thankfully. but mental vacation, where my brain gets to unfold its legs from the cramped year-long flight and roam up and down the cabin – no.

new years eve, i feel, is the perfect time for that to start. post-christmas, post-family goings-on, post-work (sort of), post-post; these are the things i’m thinking/writing about these days – mainly because the hardest question to answer is ‘what do you want’? will i answer all these questions? doubtful. these things take prayer, thoughtfulness, adaptability as other things in the year take rightful priority.

but i’m a big proponent of intentionality, because then at least your life isn’t one big blur of regret and grey. also? i looooooove making lists and resolutions, so naturally this is my favorite time of year.

One thing I will learn:

———————————————-

One place I will go:

———————————————-

One physical habit I will break:

———————————————-

One physical habit I will cultivate:

———————————————-

One mental habit I will break:

———————————————-

One mental habit I will cultivate:

———————————————-

One relationship I’ll repair:

———————————————-

One home repair I’ll finally get around to:

———————————————-

One work habit I will change:

———————————————-

One thing I’ll throw out:

———————————————-

A second thing I’ll throw out:

———————————————-

One thing I’ll eat more often:

———————————————-

One thing I’ll eat less:

———————————————-

One thing I’ll drink more:

———————————————-

One thing I’ll drink less:

———————————————-

One overdue e-mail I’ll send, or overdue phone call I’ll make:

———————————————-

One resentment I’ll get over:

———————————————-

One person I’ll treat more respectfully:

———————————————-

One thing I’ll spend less money on:

———————————————-

One other change I’ll make in my finances:

———————————————-

One thing I’ll spend less time doing:

———————————————-

And a thing I’ll spend more time doing:

———————————————-

One resolution I’ve made before but will honor this time because I really do believe that with a little effort life can be better:

———————————————-

happy new years.   as the spiritual guru adam duritz of the counting crows says, it’s been a long december, and there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.   wink.

mary schmich, of the New York Times, publishes something about reflection each new years eve, and i rather like it.  it’s nice to summarize, to think about the highlights, to nostalge (i’m totally making that word up).  here’s what she says (from her 2007 column):

YEAR IN REVIEW – 2008

When you consciously review your year, you may notice how little you noticed it as it whizzed past. To review is to re-view. To rewind, pause, look again. And in looking again, to see more clearly.

You may be astonished by how much happened. And how much didn’t. By how much has changed. And how much hasn’t. You may laugh or sigh to notice that your life remains its usual jumble of contradictions.

In 2008, I gained ————————————————.
I lost —————————————————————-.
I stopped ————————————————————.
I started ————————————————————.
I was hugely satisfied by ————————————.
And frustrated by ————————————————.
I am so embarrassed that I ———————————-.
Once again, I ——————————————————.
Once again, I did not ——————————————.
The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is ———————————-.
The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this
December is ———————————————————.
I loved spending time ——————————————.
Why did I spend even two minutes ————————-?
I should have spent more time ——————————.
I regret buying —————————————————.
I will never regret buying ————- even though with that money I could have bought ————————————-.
I —————————————————- way too much.
I didn’t ————————————————— enough.
—————————————————- drove me crazy.
Was ———————- crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?
The most relaxing place I went was ———————-.
I feel so ————————- when I write that down.
Why did I go to —————————————————?
The best thing I did for someone else was ————.
The best thing I did for myself was ———————.
The best thing someone did for me was ——————.
The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is —————————-.

*  *  *  *  *

typewriter, tip tip tip tip tip…