about this morning.

How He Loves Us was played in church today, and i have to be honest – this song just took me out.  our church plays a slightly different version than the original, and i can’t even say that i’m the biggest fan of all of the lyrics (most notably, heaven and earth and the “sloppy wet kiss” as an image just weirds me out), but i don’t even care, because i didn’t hear much past the first verse, which just took me down.  i don’t care about what i didn’t like about it, it was deafened by the overwhelming thing god wanted to tell me.

it doesn’t happen to me that often.   my internal monologue has a BIG. LOUD. MOUTH.

but, this part just stayed with me.  all day.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of the sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

in fact, the last time i heard god so vividly speak to me was 10 years ago, by a river in rockford illinois, on an idle tuesday.  and he only said one sentence.  and it distinctly changed my life, in those small subtle ways that seem to be so poignant, even as much (or more so) than the “life-changing events”.

the still, small voice.

but i remember it.

when other people would say things about god talking to them, or being overwhelmed by the goodness of god, i don’t relate.   i would nod my head in faith that that is what i believed.  i love god, surely.  i believe in him, yes.  i have a daily relationship with him, but it’s looked differently than what many others speak about.

after a long struggling time i learned that i could depend on what i experience, and learn that it was okay.  i sort of stopped comparing.  sort of.

but i don’t experience that kind of “god talking to me” usually, in such formality.  i have to reach for it; cultivate it; have an ongoing dialogue in my car, driving, quietly.  that’s my life with god.  he must know me well enough to talk to me how i need him to.

but, once every ten years or so…

he is calling for me.

it was just one more sentence, and i don’t even know what it means right now.  there’s a lot going on.  but it’s bowling me over right about now, to the point that if i utter the words, i just can’t stop crying.  he’s coming for me.

so, that’s what happened today.