a bigger boat.

“Life is “trying things to see if they work”.”

— Ray Bradbury

well, as it turns out, i don’t like to do that very much.  i mean, i like to try new things, but only if i’m assured that a) they will work, b) i will like it, c) i will be successful at it, d) i won’t look like an idiot, e) i can confidently know what i’m doing.  i didn’t realize i was such a wuss.  i mean, i have inner wuss most of the time, but i force myself eventually to just plunge into the difficult and unknown.

but it makes me all fussy.

exactly the wrong kind of qualities to have when you want to, say, date someone who has never met anybody you’ve ever known and doesn’t live in your city.  or change careers.  or go to college.  or teach.  or anything adventurous or fun.

i’m not going to lie, trying new things is like travelling to me — exciting mostly in retrospect.  there are moments, like when i first spied the notre dame in paris, where i get really excited RIGHT THEN.  but then, my feet start to hurt, i miss people who aren’t on the trip with me, i get hungry or tired and just want to go back to the familiar.

and then, months and years later, i remember it as SO AMAZING.

i’m hoping that’s how i will feel about this time in my life.  you know, some day soon.

last night, like with many nights, i was exhausted in mind but my body coud not seem to hoist this big elephant off my chest and settle down.  so, at 10:15pm, i dragged the boy out with me to go on a walk, in the misty rain.  we walked so far, and so fast, that before i knew it it was 11pm and we found ourselves at a mcdonalds downtown.  it took me 45 minutes of cold nervous walking just to get it all out.

now i know what my friend kristin means about running just to work things out, not even really for exercise.

for as difficult and new as everything feels right now…

we’re going to need a lot more walks.

i have to remind myself of what the alternative is — that my life at points has felt safe, comfortable, boring and frustrating.  when i felt this last, i moved to seattle.

it’s fitting that the days that i realize i’m yet in another stage of this, the weather is misty, grey, coldish.

it’s my seattle again.

yeah, we’re going to need a lot more walks.