and chipotle is chip-oat-lay, for the record.
our Unnamed High School has announcements every morning, broadcast over the ancient (and very loud, i might add) PA system. so, after some music and the obligatory pledging allegiance to the flag. (side note: we NEVER did this in high school. did this start after 9/11?) then, a senior student and sometimes another student reads the announcement. they usually do a pretty clear job, occasionally stumbling over some words or losing their place in the script. tuesday morning this week, i’m sitting with my sophomores listening to the announcements detailing where certain clubs were meeting this week, and we hear this:
“the gay, straight, trans ALIENS are meeting in the library this week during A lunch.”
aliens, people.
cue my jim halpert look.
we have a gay-straight ALLIANCE club at the school. or, i should say, we used to before someone couldn’t pronounce their words and called them aliens over the announcements on accident. just kidding.
job security, folks, job security.
mean times.
here’s what i’m not doing right now.
i’m not telling you about my day or week. i’m not mentioning how arduous teaching a particular class was this week, like hauling 30 sophomores uphill, on my back, while they complain and, audibly in some cases, think that i suck. i’m not worrying about the outcome of a lame situation that i have gotten myself into by accident. i am not thinking about how tired i am. i am not mulling over how much i need to work on, and how i feel like i will not ever be a good teacher because of reasons having to do with my personality. i’m not telling you about how technology keeps failing me. i’m not telling you of my learning about just how much weight i’ve gained in two years of being in school/stress mode (and i feel every ounce of it) that feels too big to talk about, while feeling ultimately deficient in the will to change it. i’m not telling you about how inspired i am daily by excellent teachers, being dazzled and amazed at their brilliance, while simultaneously feeling daunted and nervous that i will never be this good. i won’t tell you about how much i want to be good at life, and how much i think about it. i’m not telling you how many 15 year olds i bored this week, or how many told me so, or how many told me how i am their least favorite teacher.
to be fair, i’m also not telling you about the fortunate time i’m spending with my two favorite older nieces. i’m not mentioning how adorable my youngest niece and nephew are, and how i can’t help but be in a good mood when i see their cute chubby little faces. i can’t being to describe how nice it is to start to feel like you have a few good friends and have weekly time with said friend for once. i’m not mentioning how awesome my drive to work is, an early morning technicolor explosion that only lasts a few weeks each year. i’m not explaining how helpful my parents are in ways physical, emotional, and spiritual. i am not raving about the boy (The Boy!) and how tangibly happy I am with him. and i’m certainly not talking about how bitchin (that’s right, folks, BITCHIN) a small coterie of my student-teacher friends are who get together and share secrets and laughs over cocktails. i will also not note that when i told a number of my students i was leaving next friday (to go to the middle school), they got very sad and wished that i was not leaving.
because it’s all there.
however, in the meantime…
my issues will not clear up overnight. my students will not miraculously come in tomorrow, motivated to work. i will not enter school tomorrow with magical new relationships with my students (which i feel is one of THE most important keys to my success in this endeavor) in an instant. i will not suddenly sprout inspiring new insights about life, philosophy or early american literature with which i can inspire the masses. my crisis of confidence, the one with the gnarled roots at the base of my whole life, will not disappear without effort, like it was just an unfortunate occurrence of indigestion. this weekend i will not wake up and suddenly be unburdened and become thrilled with who i am.
i will also wake up and know there are any new amazing things that can happen each new day. really.
these things, they take time. but in the meantime…
ever looked at that word “meantime”? the most difficult of times, the times in between where you were and where you so desperately want to be, can seem long. and truthfully, they are long, because there is no “there” there. there are new plateaus and new mountains around every corner.
and in the meantime…
mean. time. that’s what it is, because these stretchy long bits are MEAN. angry, sometimes. sad, can be. MEAN REDS. and small triumphs. and, luckily for me, strong and capable people in lock-step with me (despite my tendency to want to hide from them occasionally, with copious amounts of chocolate and blankets to hide until the foreseeable future).
so. in the meantime…
what do you do, besides forging onward (which i am doing)? how do i deal with all this detritus, this stuff that is stuffing up my brain and my spirit and my energy.
give me a four step plan, please.
in the meantime, then, i am
not worrying about anything.
instead, i am praying about everything (and i mean EVERYTHING).
i am telling God what i need,
and thanking him for all he has done. (phillippians 4:6)
WRIT LARGE. ABOVE MY DESK. if i could have this tattooed on my arm now, i would.
my four-step daily plan for dealing with stuff. if that doesn’t work, do it again. and again. and again. it’s working. if it means you can keep going, it’s working. if it means that it brings you peace sometimes, it’s working. if it means you are saying it by force of will, it’s working.
if you want to know what it is that i’m doing at any given time, it is this.
all, of course, in the meantime.
the science of motivation.
this is simply fascinating to me. among the many, many (did i mention MANY, MYRIAD, INSANE) amounts of fascinating things i’m learning and cramming in my head these days, concepts like this that help ground my philosophies towards education/life/teaching/parenting are the ones that rise to the top.
it’s not that long, and i’m curious to know what you think.
also? TED is so good.
[i’m having trouble embedding it, so here’s the link].
they’re called the logarhythms, people.
true story.
despite being featured currently on network television both positively (glee) and humorously (the office), acapella groups will always be endearingly dorky, but dorky nonetheless. and it’s not because they sound bad (they don’t) or because of the outfits (not always the lamest) or even because of the goofy looks on their faces while they snap their fingers and find their groovy beats (kind of cute, right?).
why, then?
THEIR NAMES.
don’t believe me?
but how, HOW, can you not like this (or at least the few minutes i watched before i was so annoyed from childhood flashbacks of the nintendo taking over the television for the entire summer that i had to turn it off)? i mean they are acting it out. ACTING LIKE MARIO. or luigi. as adults. not. on. halloween. while singing the theme song.
okay, they win.
anton chekhov is stalking me, obvs.
i have had a discouraging day. one of those that can completely turn around on you in 45 minutes flat, and then it is fundamentally driven home in 5 minutes, and then put over the edge every minute after that by seemingly non=horrible things, like someone taking entirely too long to back out of their parking spot. i mean DEAR LORD DON’T THEY SEE THE LINE OF EIGHT CARS BEHIND THEM? the nerve. or, in german: die nerve!
i’ve got some mean reds, for sure. and it is just about now that i stumbled upon this quote which was shuffling along in my photo folder:
seriously, anton. seriously.
i have to go find my reboot button now, so i can return to teaching tomorrow instead of becoming a quitty quitter who quits quittingly, which is what i want to do now.
quote:
“Prioritize ruthlessly, communicate excessively.”
— Adam Newman speaking to education enthusiasts at the Ednet conference (via emphasisadded)
valuable advice for teachers, i’d say. seriously, you don’t know how close i am to getting this tattooed somewhere on my arm.also? about the hardest thing for me to master right now. |
monday morning ughpdate.
1. i’m writing this in one of my afternoon classes. i feel a little bad about that, except that even if i were listening, i wouldn’t get that much out of this class, which is sad. i hate it when you are in a class which has so much more potential of being interesting and useful, and just falls abysmally short.
2. i heard a story from a substitute teacher today about one of the schools i may go teach at next year. he said that he came in to sub for an Advanced Placement U.S. History class (the only one in the school). There was only one student, who typically just went to the library and studied by himself. this made me a little sad.
3. i came in to class at college today, and a student had left a wad of chewed gum on the desk. seriously? who does that?
4. pretty much everything is school-related for me right now. sorry.
5. i am teaching on wednesday, and you would not believe the amount of preparation i am doing for one lesson. i mean, it’s staggering. why can’t my mind seem to work more efficiently when it comes to organization?
6. i’ve long been able to separate the personal egregious actions of singers from my personal enjoyment of their catchy music. so what am i saying? i don’t care about what inane think kanye west did last night on television. those are some snappy songs.
7. finally got over being sick this past weekend. i hate being sick. it just takes up so much useful time.
8. so this is my life right now. teaching, teaching, organizing, grading, and trying to keep up with things. so boring, right? i have many thoughts, but just not the ability to articulate them in writing.
9. sam, one of the boy’s best friends, is coming down this weekend, which makes me very happy.
that’s all i got.
how are you; are you well?
so cussing fantastic.
words, indelibly.
on my mind as i give into being sick, resting and drinking tea instead of fighting it and insisting on working, thus making myself sicker for longer:
“When it’s over, I want to say:
all my life
I was a bride married
to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking
the world into my arms…”
Mary Oliver
oh, the possibilities. how to make them reality…
how i feel about it sometimes: english teacher edition
who am i?
both. i am both of these characters, usually simultaneously.
sara, darling. 