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{J} just give me the keys.

13 November 2011

a completely truthful* account of a conversation between a random couple** during a bathroom break at a gas station during their twice-weekly 5-6 hour roadtrips.

[scene: married couple walks into totally appropriately named**** gas station, after both advising they needed to use the restroom.  the mister is driving, and thus has said car keys.]

mrs: hey, dear, give me the keys.

mr: why? i’m just going to the bathroom.

mrs: i know.  give me the keys.

mr: why? did you forget something?

mrs: no.  just give me the keys.

mr: are you going to drive away without me?

mrs: NO. trust me.  give me the keys.

mr: i don’t understand…

mrs: give me the keys because when we both go into the bathroom i am out after a minute and then am locked out of the car for the next 9 hours while you exhume the crappy food we ate several hours ago.  my options, without said keys, are either to a) freeze my butt off wandering around outside in winter while the teenagers size me up to see if i can/will spot them a cigarette or buy them some 3.2 beer and/or b) wander up and down the 4 aisles of the gas station staring at all the crap i could possibly buy while the cashiers give me the side-eye because i am now making them nervous because the candy aisle can only be so interesting for so long and they mentally calculate the odds of a white 30-year old in workout pants with a hole in the butt (don’t judge; my jeans cut off my circulation at the midsection sitting in the car for that long) and red toms are going to hold them up at gunpoint (is that bulge in her front hoodie pocket a gun or did she just have a big lunch (don’t judge me, cashier!)) for their cash, a slim jim, and that huge 5 pound hershey bar on the groaning cardboard display.  so FOR SWEET FANCY MOSES JUST GIVE ME THE FREAKING KEYS.

mr: (hands over keys while attempting to hide his wedding ring finger from the eyes of the gas station public) you should really take your one-woman show on the road one day, dear.


*possibly misremembered.  especially the part about hiding his wedding ring.  he would never do that.  he’d just take it off and try to throw it in my gaping mouth to win a prize, carnival-style.

**me and the husband.

***kum&go.  seriously. can you imagine having that on your business card?  CEO of kum&go.  the puns are endless.

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