lies of smudginess, and other meandering thoughts.
i started to type ‘lies of omission’, but this feels more accurate.
let me also start by saying that i am grumpy for no reason. as per my usual schedule, i got to friday so worn out that i went to bed at 10:30, having fallen asleep at the boy’s house listening to jon stewart. i woke up this morning a full ten hours later. then, decided to stay in bed for another half an hour because i didn’t want to get up. i didn’t want to sleep either. just wanted to lay, like broccoli.
breakfast at the western omelette, which serves the biggest plates of greasy spoon food along with their western murals and southwestern tchotkches that i have ever seen (i, of course, brought the rather large side of sarcastic all on my own). got home to an email from my professor, who i had emailed yesterday about my test. see, i had this test, test number 3 of 3 scheduled for yesterday. however, all week i have been frantically either studying for my other tests (midterms) or dealing with the aftermath of my car accident — arranging to extend my rental car, locating my car and the stuff in it, desperately trying to find another car…all that to say, i was horribly stressed and unprepared. so, i email my professor and say that due to my car accident, i missed the test and can i reschedule.
i may have not mentioned that the accident was a few weeks ago.
because i am a horrible person.
all of my professors have been really great about rescheduling things or making arrangements for stuff, and i have been an excellent student all semester.
so i get back from the Womelette to an email that says if i have documenation from my accident, i can take an equivalent makeup. and if not, i can take an essay test.
i have pictures of my smushed car from yesterday, and my rental car keys.
if that doesn’t suffice, i’m taking an essay test.
somehow, i think i should just take an essay test because i deserve it.
it’s one of those situations that is actually true, just would require more explanation. justification is so smudgy, and i wish to not begrime myself with such things. lesson learned. i hope.
* * * * *
in other news, the boy’s house is coming together. i will provide photographic proof of such things when it’s in a little better shape. there have been multiple long trips to target and lots of standing back and looking and things and then doing that over again. one thing we have not bought at all, however, is wall art. this is because the boy is a painter, and one that i rather enjoy. i’m always glad i don’t have to use my fake interested face when i talk about his art, because it really is that good to me.
* * * * *
we have to leave the house now. today’s agenda:
– getting another curtain and some slippers at the super target.
– retrieving my school books from my house
– going to the Y so that i can stop feeling the school semester blob. i’m wondering if there is a junior fifteen, since i’m not a freshman any more?
– studying for aforementioned test.
– catching up on my pseudo-job work. (i’m technically not supposed to still be working, but i have a hard time saying no.)
– looking at my long to-do list to make a plan for Super Successful Sunday, in which i get so many things done, it’s astounding.
* * * * *
wishing i had an ice cream maker, this is the perfect afternoon for such a thing.
* * * * *
last night i ordered a cambric, from one of my absolutely favorite places in town. earl grey tea, steamed milk and vanilla. i wanted to love it, but i just liked it. if it were made with rooibos or english breakfast, i would have swooned. however, they make their tea with loose leaves in the cream bags, which i like.
* * * * *
sigh.
if i had a nickel for everytime this happened.
i just helped a Sudanese man with his logo problems. i sat down at school for about the 5th grammar midterm study session i’ve had in 4 days, and felt a tap on my shoulder. i pulled out my anti-social buds, and consulted him on his logo. for an hour.
this happens to me ALL THE TIME, let me tell you. people of all nationalities just look at me, determine that i have some artistic insight, and then ask me a series of questions about the logo for their South Sudanese National Aid organization.
what, like this doesn’t happen to you?
monday morning ugh-pdate.
eins. it is deliciously foggy and cold outside. i say deliciously, because although i am thoroughly unprepared for full-blown cold, the weather went very well with my tea & milk and blueberry muffin this morning. it also goes very well with having the boy drive me to school while listening to morning music.
zwei. did you hear that correctly? the boy drove me to school. he can do that now, because HE LIVES HERE. i will repeat it, because it bears repeating: HE LIVES 20 MINUTES AWAY FROM ME.
drei. having very up and down mixed feelings right now, he and i. not about us, you see, we are great, even greater in proximity of each other and not on the phone. however. BIG CHANGES. big change in a short amount of time. in the last two months we have done the following:
he: sold his business, trained a new owner, changed cities, changed from a newer apartment to a 100 year old house, embarked on going free-lance, moved away from his childhood home and all of the people who have known him for his whole life.
me: quit my full-time job, began going double time to school, moved in with my parents again, for the first time since i was about 20, learned my boss had cancer so went back to working semi-part-time, totaled my car.
i mean, seriously, people. so, we are both excited and tired, triumphant and overwhelmed, joyous and incredibly sad, anticpating the future and nostalgic about the past, at an end and beginning ALL AT THE SAME TIME. sometimes, it varies by the minute. i want to laugh, and then will be on the verge of tears in about 5 minutes. if you asked me why, i couldn’t say. this is somewhat unusual for me, and definitely out of character for him.
at least one thing you learn from being away from each other for a year and a half is lots of patience and letting everything just ride out.
editor’s note: anyone who has any experience with such a big transition, feel free to pipe up with your thoughts/advice. thanks.
vier. i am in the midst of mid-terms (3 tests this week, yay!) and trying to find a car. we’ve found a few possibilities on craigstlist and as we speak, the boy is looking at them and running various errands for me. because he is that awesome.
fünf. these numbers are in german, from memory.
sechs. i really love my family. there are times, like there was this weekend, that they all show up, with all their different personalities, and i am very proud that my family is who they are. quirks and all.
sieben. when it gets cold, i tend to want to make things. usually it is baking, even though i am not a prolific pastry chef. this season it is no different, and i want to make loaves of banana bread. however. i am also obsessed with making my own ice cream. i want this cookbook, and an awesome ice cream maker. i cannot explain my newfound obsession with this, but it’s getting bad. this makes no sense. but then again, neither do i sometimes.
acht. MIDTERMS. specifically, i have an advanced grammar midterm this week. ugh. i mean, we all know i like the grammar because i am geeky mcnerdstein, but even this is too much for me. i am praying for a miraculous photographic memory to appear.
neun. morning music is very specific. dave grohl described how important it was to not have anything to upbeat, too mellow, too catchy or too sleep-inducing in an article i read once, and i immediately agreed. this was also the time during my semi-intense dave grohl crush, but i don’t think that has anything to do with it. i don’t listen to music every morning, but when i do, it’s a day-specific playlist.
10.20.am
the avett brothers – swept away
augstana – boston
death cab for cutie – a lack of color
electric president – good morning, hypocrite
mates of state – my only offer
zehn. my desktop computer with all my music is dying a slow death, where it will only wake up long enough for me to download the latest episode of The Shameful TV Show That Will Not Be Named and then turn off again. this also is the computer which possesses all my music. bah. when the boy gets around to fixing up his old computer, i will inherit this and hook it all up. why do you care? first, if you are asking that question at this point, you are at the wrong blog. stop reading immediately. second, you care because once this event happens, i will start linking to the music and you can hear what i hear. v. good.
elf. i love that the german word for eleven is “elf”.
zwölf. pronounced ‘zwurlf’. my sister-in-law’s doctors think that she is going to have this baby earlier than her thanksgivingish due date. my first nephew, and i’m really excited. i know a certain boyfriend who has a box of action figures for him that need to find a new home 😉
have a great week full of things that don’t sound like “squidterm”.
the graphic designers autumn.
love this. (via Chris Glass)
i didn’t even have to use my A-K.
today is a good day.
today i got up at 6:00 to be at my school observation by 7:15, and found out that they had no school.
today i got to spend an hour talking to my mom over tea.
today i got an extra 2 hours to putter around the house, one of my favorite things.
today i say goodbye to the first car i bought.
today i get to say welcome home to the wonderful boy, who is moving here after a year and a half of living 250 miles away from me.
today is a very good day.
step 1: anger
being in a slew of upper level english classes, i have had to deal with my writing process on a somewhat daily basis. it’s beyond me, really, in that the boy also now has to deal with my writing process, as he is frequently on the other end of the phone during my many rants about why won’t this paper WRITE ITSELF ? I MEAN REALLY! since my incredibly hard but very endearing sophomore year english teacher in high school, i have been able to somewhat…skate by. i apologize now who agonized in school, feel free to hate me now. BUT. it’s not that i didn’t put forth effort, it’s just that for many of my classes, english and non-english, i was able to write what they needed without doing numerous rewrites or editing and get an A.
this is notsomuch the case anymore. and this is true of all writing, usually beyond the drivel i put up here, but not always.
it’s been on my mind for awhile, wondering why WHY OH WHY my writing process is so painful. i think, i write, i walk away, curse, return to it, write more, throw the computer, complain to the boy, take a break (for a few days, weeks…) then return to it, more irritated and now running up against a deadline. i was convinced that something was wrong with me, perhaps i just cannot write, cannot seem to communicate effectually in any way.
and then, ira glass saved me.
for those not in the npr bubble, ira glass is the host of this american life, a radio program (and on podcast) that i have listened to for nearly a decade now. although he’s talking about his radio show, and storytelling, it actually pertains to any artistic pursuit, and certainly to having to produce coherent writing. i also think he’s pretty brilliant at what he does. and he loves the television show the O.C. this is what he says about it:
so, according to mr. glass, i’m not a bad writer, the problem is that i just have great taste. of course. oh, and that i just need to just keep writing more and more and more. and consume more alcohol in the process. he mentioned that, right? i’m pretty sure that is the comment that every professor wrote in some way on the four papers i got back this week with B’s scribbled in red pen on them. good thing i’m not trying to be a professional writer (lest you be confused that i have novelist aspirations.) now back to my paper about marxist critique, again, but with martinis this time.
sara,darling recommends.
– listening to the npr planet money podcast. more on this later.
– rooibos tea with milk and sugar.
– long sleeve shirts with cuffs that are tight around your wrists.
– packing snacks.
– wearing glasses as a disguise and thinking it works.
– compliments.
improvements.
i think about how much time and irritation i could have avoided, if we used this approach to job hiring.
i wish i was a baller…
this week, as i was driving to have tea with my friend sarah, i was in a car accident. on a two lane road with no turn lane, an 18 year old kid driving in front of me decided to turn left, remarkably quickly, and not use a turn signal until about the moment when i collided with him. i had looked down for about 1.5 seconds to see what time it was, and in that moment of time he slowed to a stop. let’s look at the stats:
his car? 1993 toyota tercel
my car? 2000 saturn sl1
his car? owned by his mother.
my car? totally paid off, by me.
his car? insurance paid for by his mother.
my car? insurance paid for by me.
his car? slightly dented bumper.
my car? TOTALED.
of course.
the kid, to his credit, was incredibly honest and put on the accident report that he partially caused the accident, didn’t use turn signal, etc.
of course he didn’t get the ticket. i did.
so this is how i find myself in a rental car this week that was supposed to be a dodge neon, but instead, because the rental company was all out of cars except for this:
the 2008 dodge magnum aka the baller car aka the big shot car (my mother) aka ‘dude that is such a sweet ride’ from the multiple guys who have STOPPED ME ON THE ROAD AND MADE ME ROLL DOWN MY WINDOW to complement my car, often accompanied with multiple thumbs ups. true story.
in a fit of wisdom, i had put rental reimbursement on my insurance along with my full coverage, so life could be worse.
however, in the next three weeks, here is what is happening:
– get everything from my old car and move it to my house, get insurance check, etc.
– the boy (read: my really awesome boyfriend who just made me breakfast, again, and tea the way i like it. dream.) moves to my city on friday and 1/2 of his family will be here on saturday.
– school (all 8 classes worth, and some catch up from being gone from the accident this week)
– attempting to locate and purchase a good car, year 2000ish, 100Kish miles or less, for 4500 – 5000 dollars. with my grand amounts of free time.
– midterms, including a grammar midterm that my professor has described as “brutal”.
this makes me want to hibernate for the winter, and wake up with straight A’s. possible, no?
however.
very few times, really, have i had to completely depend on god to provide for me. i mean, he has provided for me numerous ways in ways that i could have imagined, or gotten to myself. i think i just get really sufficient and figuring my way out of these things either through my own effort, or by friends and family who help out — all god’s way of looking out for me, but this one will really have to come together, because folks, there are no GOOD cars that will take me through the next 3 years and the upcoming winter for 4500. really. i have looked.
today’s plans:
– driving back from craig for the LAST time by myself. yay!
– listening to this american life.
– finishing my paper about john mccain for school.
– perhaps watching the new madmen if i get done in time.
oh, envious of my life are you? i knew it! 😉
sara, darling. 